I've got Netflix now, so let's start blogging again!

It's been a very, very, very, very long time since I've blogged on here. Longer than I've realized. But I'm back because Netflix exists.

Let me explain.

I used to write these "madcap recaps" of the ABC TV show Once Upon A Time and post them on my blog. They were so much fun, and I loved doing them it. Eventually I got too busy to spend an hour or two writing up recaps and making memes for each episode, let alone watch the show on a regular basis.

Fast forward a few years (like, 7).

I'm scrolling through Netflix, adding stuff to my watch list, like you do when you're indecisive on what to watch at the moment, and come across Once Upon A Time (OUAT, as the fans would call it). I COULD WATCH THE FIRST EPISODE! I could start from the beginning and write my madcap recaps.

I imagine, since the show has been over for two or three years, nobody is going to care about reading an episode review, but it's fun so I'm gonna do it!

But first I have to go back to reread some of the other ones I've written. I'm excited!

Welcome back to Storybrooke! Rumplefuggly has been expecting you...

OUAT: Selfless, Brave and True

A Once Upon a Time Madcap Recap of Season 2, Episode 18

Synopsis: August/Pinocchio is back in this episode and living like a gypsy in the forest. Tamara comes to Storybrooke. And if you’ve ever wondered what kind of shenanigans were going down in 2011 Hong Kong, you’re about to find out.

A Place Where the Weather is Nice Enough to Leave a Window Open

[August is lying in bed next to a woman when he realizes a problem with his wooden leg: It wasn’t wooden a few minutes ago!!!]

AUGUST: My leg! Look at my leg!

WOMAN: Yes, it’s a very nice leg, but it’s 8:15 and I have a hangover. Go back to sleep!

Snow and Charming’s Charming Apartment

[Charming is being charming and making breakfast in bed for Snow]

EMMA: That’s not going to help her. Get her emo arse out of bed!

CHARMING: Watch the language! And that’s enough sass from you! You’re grounded.

EMMA: *rolls eyes*

Nealfire’s Hotel Room

NEALFIRE: FYI, Tamara is coming to Storybrooke. In like, 10 minutes.

EMMA: I don’t think that’s a good idea.

NEALFIRE: She’s bringing bagels.

EMMA: You can’t bribe me with carbs. *stays for bagels*

Snow in Storybrooke Forest

SNOW: Oh look, an old, creepy trailer in the middle of the forest. I better go check it out. Oh hey, it’s August! Why are you all wooden and living like a gypsy in a trailer down by the river?

A Hospital in Hong Kong, 2011

AUGUST: Can’t you see? My leg? It’s made of wood!

DOCTOR: Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t see anything.

AUGUST: Here! [He jabs a scalpel into his calf]

DOCTOR: @#%&! Sedate him! We got ourselves a nutter!

[Orderlies come to hold him down, but he runs out of the room, down the hall and comes across a random dude]

RANDOM DUDE: I know a guy who knows a guy named “The Dragon”. He’ll be able to help you.

AUGUST: Seems legit.

In a Trailer Down By the Toll Bridge

SNOW:  Come back to Storybrooke. You deserve a second chance.

AUGUST: I can’t go back. There is no hope for redemption for me. You don’t know what it’s like. You’ve never had to worry about that, Snow. You’re pure and honest and good. You’ve never hurt anyone. You never would.

SNOW: *blackened heart sinks*

AUGUST: Please don’t tell anybody you saw me or where I live or what I’ve told you.

[Snow leaves the trailer and proceeds to tell Emma and Gepetto/Marco that she saw August and he’s living in the forest in a trailer]

Nealfire’s Hotel Room of Awkwardness

HENRY: How did you meet?

NEALFIRE: Erm– 

TAMARA: Neal and I had a meet-cute on the street one day. I bumped into him and spilled coffee all over myself. He offered his scarf to cover the stain.

HENRY: That’s nice. Emma and I are going to go now. Bye!

NEALFIRE: I have to tell you something, Tamara. I’m from the Enchanted Forest. See this book? It’s more of a history book than a fairytale book.

TAMARA: WTF, Neal?! You still have feelings for Emma?

NEALFIRE: Wha--? I--

[Tamara storms out of the room]

Off to See the Dragon, the Wonderful Dragon of Hong Kong…

[…because of the wonderful things he does!]

[August is sitting in a shady-looking waiting room. A woman drops her phone. He hands it to her.]

ME: Is that Tamara? What? August has already met Tamara? Does everybody know everyone in this story?

Granny’s Diner

REGINA: Hi, I don’t believe we’ve met in person. I’m Regina-- Mayor, mother, philanthropist, and all-around great gal. Say, you look familiar. Maybe we have met?

GREGOWEN: NO.

REGINA: Hmm…

Dr. Dragon Will See You Now

AUGUST: You believe me?

DR DRAGON: We’ve read the fairytales in Hong Kong, too, you know. I can also name all the Disney princesses. So to answer your question, yes. I know who you are. You’re Pinocchio and you’re turning into wood.

AUGUST: Can you help me?

DR DRAGON: Yes, but it’ll cost you.

AUGUST: How much?

DR DRAGON: Not money, but an irreplaceable object.

AUGUST: My necklace? The one with the string from my father?

DR DRAGON: Yes… and also, 10,000 American dollars.

AUGUST: FML

Once Upon a Time Madcap Recap: Welcome to Storybrooke

"Welcome to Storybrooke"  

Once Upon a Time, Season 2, Episode 17

Synopsis: If you have trouble following the alternation between present day Storybrooke and flashback fairytale land scenes in this show, brace yourselves. This episode has Storybrooke flashbacks along with present day Storybrooke.

Way, way, way back in the day (1983), two strangers came to Storybrooke. And then some things happened.

Campsite in the Forest, 1983

[A father named Kurt and his son Owen are camping in a forest when a big cloud of purple magic stuff starts blowing around them.]

FATHER: I think it’s an electrical storm or something.

SON: An electric-purple storm?

FATHER: I dunno. Don’t ask me. I failed Science in the 8^th grade. Just get in the tent now!

[When they come out of the tent, they see a city in the distance]

FATHER: That was definitely not there before.

The Inception of Storybrooke, 1983

[And so, on the first day Regina created Storybrooke and it was good. Which is bad. Because Regina hates good.]

[Back by popular demand, Graham, the Sheriff, strolls onto the scene]

GRAHAM: *winks*

[Regina does a smug strut down Main Street passing people like Granny, Ruby, and Dr. Hopper. Everybody is just carrying on like normal because they have no idea they are from Fairytale Land. Tra la la.]

The Hospital, 1983

[Regina takes Mary Margret to the hospital to check out some guy]

REGINA: Do you know who this unconscious man is?

MARY MARGRET: No, I don’t know him, but he looks rather charming.

Granny’s Diner, 1983

REGINA: That suit suits you well.

GRAHAM: Thanks. I’ll see you *wink* later

[Regina comes across Kurt and Owen and doesn’t recognize them from Fairytale Land]

REGINA: What????

Cora’s Tomb, present day

RUMPLEFUGGLY: You can’t have vengeance and Henry.

REGINA: Yes I can. I can have vengeance and Henry. I can have cake and I can eat it, too. I can summon a crate of discontinued Twinkies if I wanted and whatever else I want.

Snow and Charming’s Charming Kitchen

EMMA: Um, see, the thing is, Henry, your Grandma Snow is kind of sort of just partially to be blamed for Cora’s death.

HENRY: But that’s so out of character.

RUMPLEFUGGLY: I just came by to tell you that Regina is planning to kill Snow. Gotta dash—

CHARMING: Wait! Snow saved your life. You are indebted to her.

RUMPLEFUGGLY: But I just told you about the thing…

EMMA: We’re family now. You’re Henry’s grandfather. You’ve got to help us.

RUMPLEFUGGLY: FML. I knew that family thing was going to bite me in the arse one day.

Granny’s Diner, 1983

REGINA: Why are you still in my town. Are you a bunch of squatters? Get out of my chair, boy.

OWEN: Sorry for taking your seat, ma’am. Here, have a keychain I made.

REGINA: [Thinks] Aww, now I want them to stay.

On the Second Day of Storybrooke…

[Mary Margret becomes a volunteer at the hospital so she can look after the Charming John Doe.]

[Regina does her strut-walk down the street and everybody is friendly to her, even Mary Margret who is actually Snow]

REGINA: *bored*

REGINA: Everybody does what I want. *poutface*

RUMPLEFUGGLY: Isn’t that what you wanted?

REGINA: - - -

REGINA: Shut up, Rumple.

RUMPLEFUGGLY: I will never understand women.

Once Upon a Madcap Recap: The Miller’s Daughter

"The Miller's Daughter"

Once Upon a Time, Season 2, Episode 16

Note: Do not read this if you haven’t seen this episode. It contains lots of spoilers and ridiculous embellishments from me.

Fairytale Flashback Land Village

[A young woman, who looks like a young Cora (because she turns out to be young Cora), finds her father asleep in a wheelbarrow.]

YOUNG CORA: You didn’t deliver this flour yet?

CORA’S FATHER: Mmmfff

YOUNG CORA: Fine. I’ll do it myself.

CORA’S FATHER: Mmmfff k

Fairytale Flashback Land Main Street

[Young Cora wheels a wheelbarrow full of sacks of flour into town where she encounters the royal family.]

[Young Princess Eva trips Young Cora]

YOUNG PRINCESS EVA: Peasant!

YOUNG CORA: Wench!

YOUNG PRINCESS EVA: You wrecked my slipper!

YOUNG CORA: You’re lucky I don’t wreck your face!

THE KING: Shut up, peasant, or we won’t buy flour from you anymore. We’ll go gluten-free if we have to just to put you out of business!

Yarr, Aboard the Present-Day Pirate Ship

EMMA: Tell me about the dagger thingy. What does it do?

RUMPLEFUGGLY: Oh, nothing much except WHOEVER HAS THE DAGGER CONTROLS ME AND CAN ORDER ME TO KILL EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU IN THE MOST UNSPEAKABLY GRUESOME WAY.

EMMA: No worries. I won’t let them. Even though it still makes me want to vomit thinking about you being Henry’s granddad and all, we’re still family. I’m going to save you from them and from your poisonous mustard wound.

RUMPLEFUGGLY: Good. Ow! Can we get a rush on things? Totally dying here.

Mayor’s Office

CORA: I don’t like your magic box thingy.

REGINA: That’s a phone tap.

CORA: Don’t sass your mother just because I’m not hip on the lingo you kids use.

Flashback Masquerade (Painted faces on parade)

[Young Cora goes to the masquerade ball in disguise. But to be fair, everybody is in disguise. Because it’s a masquerade ball. She somehow manages to get the prince to dance with her, but the king cuts in.]

THE KING: I know who you are. And you have nothing to offer.

YOUNG CORA: But I can spin straw into gold, you know.

THE KING: Okay. Do it then. And if you can, you can marry the prince. And if you can’t, well, you’re dead. You have until morning.

YOUNG CORA: No problem.

YOUNG CORA: [whispers] #@$%!

At Storybrooke Pier

[Snow and Charming come to greet Emma, Henry, NeiflFire, and Rumplefuggly]

EMMA: Go with Ruby. I’ve got a feeling things are about to get dangerous.

HENRY: Okay. Ruby said she’d help me make “Team Emma” shirts today anyways. Bye everybody!

An Attic Tower in Fairytale Flashback Land

[Rumplefuggly creeps up on Young Cora because apparently he doesn’t know how to knock on doors. He only knows how to creep]

YOUNG CORA: Hey, creepy dude. Do you know how to spin gold? Could you show me?

RUMPLEFUGGLY: No problem. Just sign this contract saying I can have you first born.

YOUNG CORA: [shrugs] Ok.

It’s Uter"us" Not Uter"i"

Sharing Ultrasound Photos on Facebook 

The thing to do on Faceboook nowadays is document every second of your pregnancy from conception (okay, maybe not conception) to birth and beyond. For young mothers, Facebook has become a digital baby scrapbook. And while I do think that the kid pictures are cute and I enjoy seeing most of them, I think some people overdo it when they start posting photos of the baby before he or she is even born.

In my opinion, ultrasound pictures should be shared with family and close friends in person. You should go over to a person’s house and hand them the photograph and share a moment of happiness. For something so personal and special and important in one’s life, it’s rather impersonal to upload the photo publicly on one of the world’s largest websites.

My brain works differently from other more maternal females. My first thought when I see an ultrasound isn’t, Aww, how cute! It’s, We’ll, now I know what the inside of your uterus looks like. And maybe that’s because it just feels so impersonal viewing someone’s personal life on your computer screen if all you are is an acquaintance (like a high school classmate or former coworker).

Maybe I’m the only one with this opinion. Maybe I’m just lamenting the fact that the atmosphere of Facebook has changed drastically since I became a user in 2005. I really enjoyed it as a place for just college students to connect with their friends and classmates. It wasn’t a place to push political agendas, fight with exes, or send millions of game requests. It was a place to write inside jokes on friends’ walls, ask classmates what you missed in class, and poke people just because it was something you could do even though it was pointless. And I like having a little pointless fun in my life.

Once Upon a Madcap Recap: The Queen is Dead

"The Queen is Dead"

Once Upon a Time, Season 2, Episode 15

Note: Do not read this if you haven’t seen the episode. It contains lots of spoilers (probably all the spoilers) and ridiculous embellishment and commentary from me.

Little Snow’s Pre-Birthday

LIL’SNOW: “Servant, that’s my tiara! Take it off your peasant head at once!”

QUEEN EVA: “Let the peasants have their fun.”

LIL’SNOW: “But, it’s my birthday!”

QUEEN EVA: “Always be good.”

LIL’SNOW: “Always?”

QUEEN EVA: “Always.”

LIL’SNOW: “Drats.”

Present Day Storybrooke: Snow & Charming’s Charming Apartment

[Snow opens a box and pulls out her tiara. Along with a note:]

Happy Birthday, Snow!

It seemed like a good time to give you

your tiara back since we just had a flash back

of you with the tiara.

Love always, your servant,

- Johanna

The Police Station

[Hook knocks out Charming. He is super unconscious.]

[Hook opens a desk drawer. And then Hook gets his hook back.]

HOOK: (speaking to his hook) “Hello, Sexy!”

A Visit to Present-Day Johanna’s House

JOHANNA: “You were born during a harsh winter.”

SNOW: “That’s why my mother named me Snow?”

JOHANNA: “Obviously.”

[Meanwhile, Regina and Cora look for Rumplefuggly’s dagger thingy.]

On the Streets of New York

[Henry and NealFire go into a pizza place while Rumplefuggly and Emma stand awkwardly outside because they weren’t invited inside.]

RUMPLEFUGGLY: “You still interested in my son?”

EMMA: “Erm-“

[Henry and NeilFire come out of the pizza place]

EMMA: “How do you like real New York pizza?”

HENRY: “It’s delicious, cheesy, and DOESN’T LIE.”

EMMA: *shameface*

Granny’s Diner

REGINA: “I’m a good person!”

SNOW: “Uh, hem. Please see exhibit A through Double Q.”

Fairytale Flashback Land

[Snow’s mother, Queen Eva, is lying sick in bed.]

QUEEN SATINE: (sings) “Come what may, come what may, I will love you until the end of time.”

JOHANNA: “Uh, couldn’t we just use magic to cure her? This is a freaken’ fairytale land full of magic.”

NealFire’s Apartment Building

HOOK: “Hey, Emma, baby, sorry there’s no time for innuendos. [He shoves Emma against the wall.]

[Hook hooks Rumplefuggly with his hook.]

[Emma/Hulk smashes Hook with a big hunk of something, knocks him the F out, and shoves him in a closet or something for safekeeping.]

[Rumplefuggly’s chest is now covered in poisonous mustard.]

Somewhere in Storybrooke

PRINCESS SNOW: “Help us, Mother Superior. You’re our only hope.”

A Forresty Part of Fairytale Land

[Lil’Snow visits a fairy to ask for magic that will save her mother.]

FAIRY: “Here’s a candle. But it’s a pricey candle.”

LIL’SNOW: “That’s okay. I’m rich.”

FAIRY: “Actually, I mean, the price of this candle is a life for a life.”

LIL’SNOW: “But—“

Back at NealFire’s Apartment

EMMA: “Okay, so if Rumplefuggly is NeilFire’s father, and Henry, who is my son, is also NeifFire’s son, then that makes Rumplefuggly Henry’s grandfather and my sorta father-in-law which makes me want to vomit a little but also means that we are family, so we got to stick together.”

RUMPLEUGGLY: “Hello! Dying here! Let’s focus a little more on me and a little less on the boy. It’s all his fault.”

The Bedside of the Queen

QUEEN EVA: “I’m proud of you, Snow, for not giving into dark magic.”

[Audience: Feels ALL the sads even though you know it’s coming. Still... ALL THE SADS]

Storybrooke Clocktower

Me: Where’s Peter Pan? Seriously. Fairytale. Clocktower. We’ve already got Hook. Where’s Peter Pan?

[Snow and Charming find the dagger. Regina and Cora find the Snow and the Charming. They bring along Johanna as leverage. And even though I’ve seen Regina pull out people’s hearts through their chests on more than one occasion, it’s still the freakiest thing I’ve seen.]

Lil’Snow’s Worst Birthday EVER

[Lil’Snow is wearing the fanciest, sparkliest, largest mourning dress I’ve ever seen. She’s so sad… and so brave… and so... I’m gonna cry again.]

Back at the Clocktower

[Cora is officially the worst person ever. She admits to killing Snow’s mother so Regina could become queen eventually and pushes Johanna out the window. Cora and Regina take Rumplefuggly’s dagger thingy and leave.]

At the Mayor’s Office

REGINA: “I know I’m kind of a witch, but Mother! You killed the queen so I could become queen? Why didn’t you tell me?”

CORA: “Because I’m evil. Like, really evil.”

[Fairytale flashback of Cora scaring Snow’s horse when she was younger so Regina could save her and meet the king, but Regina doesn’t know this until this point.]

Back on the Streets of New York

Nealfire and Emma are speedwalk-racing.

NEALFIRE: “Emma, I gotta tell you something before you find out that—“

SOME LADY: “Hey Neal. Whatchya up to? Who’s your friend? Hey, I’m Neal’s fiancé.”

EMMA: *shockface*

AUDIENCE: *shockface*

SOME LADY: *obliviousface*

EMMA: *shockface*

AUDIENCE: *shockface*

Snow’s Second Worst Birthday EVER

[Snow talks about all the wrong right decisions she’s made. She’s made up her mind. She’s going to do a good bad thing—Kill Cora.]

END EPISODE

Writing Rampage

I like to take mundane-sounding things and add the word "rampage" to them to liven them up. For example, right now I'm having a writing rampage where I write and write and write (and check Facebook and Twitter) and write!

I've asked my friends what kinds of rampaging they like. Most everyone likes a sleeping rampage. I imagine a sleeping rampage would consist of sleeping for more than 12 hours consecutively or possibly death (In both instances you'd be dead to the world).

If you are someone who collects 128,298,593 stamps you would be on a stamp collecting rampage. STAMPCOLLECTINGRAMPAGE! ("Stampage" for short?) And if you found someone who's collected 128,298,594 stamps you'd go on an actual rampage because obviously you wanted to be top-dog in the collecting stamps business and you have FAILED :(

I sometimes go on unintentional falling/tripping rampages.

I could really use a vacation rampage.

Some people tell me I should go on a shut up rampage where I shut up about things. Unlikely

What kind of mundane-sounding rampages would you like to go on?