A Once Upon a Time Madcap Recap of Season 2, Episode 18
A Place Where the
Weather is Nice Enough to Leave a Window Open
[August is lying in bed next to a woman when he realizes a
problem with his wooden leg: It wasn’t wooden a few minutes ago!!!]
AUGUST: My leg! Look at my leg!
WOMAN: Yes, it’s a very nice leg, but it’s 8:15 and I have a
hangover. Go back to sleep!
Snow and Charming’s
Charming Apartment
[Charming is being charming and making breakfast in bed for
Snow]
EMMA: That’s not going to help her. Get her emo arse out of
bed!
CHARMING: Watch the language! And that’s enough sass from
you! You’re grounded.
EMMA: *rolls eyes*
Nealfire’s Hotel Room
NEALFIRE: FYI, Tamara is coming to Storybrooke. In like, 10
minutes.
EMMA: I don’t think that’s a good idea.
NEALFIRE: She’s bringing bagels.
EMMA: You can’t bribe me with carbs. *stays for bagels*
Snow in Storybrooke
Forest
SNOW: Oh look, an old, creepy trailer in the middle of the
forest. I better go check it out. Oh hey, it’s August! Why are you all wooden
and living like a gypsy in a trailer down by the river?
A Hospital in Hong
Kong, 2011
AUGUST: Can’t you see? My leg? It’s made of wood!
DOCTOR: Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t see anything.
AUGUST: Here! [He jabs a scalpel into his calf]
DOCTOR: @#%&! Sedate him! We got ourselves a nutter!
[Orderlies come to hold him down, but he runs out of the
room, down the hall and comes across a random dude]
RANDOM DUDE: I know a guy who knows a guy named “The
Dragon”. He’ll be able to help you.
AUGUST: Seems legit.
In a Trailer Down By
the Toll Bridge
SNOW: Come back
to Storybrooke. You deserve a second chance.
AUGUST: I can’t go back. There is no hope for redemption for
me. You don’t know what it’s like. You’ve never had to worry about that, Snow.
You’re pure and honest and good. You’ve never hurt anyone. You never would.
SNOW: *blackened heart sinks*
AUGUST: Please don’t tell anybody you saw me or where I live
or what I’ve told you.
[Snow leaves the trailer and proceeds to tell Emma and Gepetto/Marco
that she saw August and he’s living in the forest in a trailer]
Nealfire’s Hotel Room
of Awkwardness
HENRY: How did you meet?
NEALFIRE: Erm–
TAMARA: Neal and I had a meet-cute on the street one day. I
bumped into him and spilled coffee all over myself. He offered his scarf to
cover the stain.
HENRY: That’s nice. Emma and I are going to go now. Bye!
NEALFIRE: I have to tell you something, Tamara. I’m from the
Enchanted Forest. See this book? It’s more of a history book than a fairytale
book.
TAMARA: WTF,
Neal?! You still have feelings for Emma?
NEALFIRE: Wha--? I--
[Tamara storms out of the room]
Off to See the
Dragon, the Wonderful Dragon of Hong Kong…
[…because of the wonderful things he does!]
[August is sitting in a shady-looking waiting room. A woman
drops her phone. He hands it to her.]
ME: Is that Tamara? What? August has already met Tamara? Does
everybody know everyone in this story?
Granny’s Diner
REGINA: Hi, I don’t believe we’ve met in person. I’m
Regina-- Mayor, mother, philanthropist, and all-around great gal. Say, you look
familiar. Maybe we have met?
GREGOWEN: NO.
REGINA: Hmm…
Dr. Dragon Will See
You Now
AUGUST: You believe me?
DR DRAGON: We’ve read the fairytales in Hong Kong, too, you
know. I can also name all the Disney princesses. So to answer your question,
yes. I know who you are. You’re Pinocchio and you’re turning into wood.
AUGUST: Can you help me?
DR DRAGON: Yes, but it’ll cost you.
AUGUST: How much?
DR DRAGON: Not money, but an irreplaceable object.
AUGUST: My necklace? The one with the string from my father?
DR DRAGON: Yes… and also, 10,000 American dollars.
AUGUST: FML
[In present day Storybrooke, Snow talks to Mother Superior.
She says that August has gone all wooden because he wasn’t brave or selfless or
true anymore.]
A Hong Kong Bar, 2011
[Yes, it is Tamara and she is sitting at the bar when August
walks in]
TAMARA: Did you have to give Dr. Dragon something of
personal value? I gave him a picture of my grandmother in hopes that I will be
cured of my illness. I’m going to give him this giant wad of cash I’ve been carrying
around in my purse later. Will you excuse, stranger I just met today, I need to
answer this phone call. *totally abandons
her open purse sitting on the counter*
AUGUST’S CONSCIOUS: Don’t do it!
AUGUST’S ANTI-CONSCIOUS: Go, take the money and run!
*Takes the money and runs*
August’s Trailer Down
By the Toll Bridge
TAMARA: I bet you never thought I’d find you, knock on wood.
AUGUST: That’s not even funny.
Back to Dr. Dragon’s
Office for a Follow Up Appointment
[There is a shady exchange of money for some red liquid in a
vial. When he gets outside, Tamara sees him and chases him through the market
place. He falls and she takes the potion from him.]
AUGUST: Ahh! Leg cramp!
Back to August’s
Trailer Down By the Toll Bridge
TAMARA: You owe me a favor after what you did to me in Hong
Kong. You can have what’s left of the potion, but you have to go to my
apartment in New York to get it. I want you to leave Storybrooke.
AUGUST: I can’t do that.
TAMARA: Yes you can and you will.
AUGUST: Why are you in Storybrooke?
TAMARA: You’re the same desperate man.
AUGUST: Why are you in Storybrooke?
TAMARA: The same man I left lying in the gutter.
AUGUST: No, seriously, why are you in Storybrooke?
GregOwen’s Hotel Room
[Regina must be spending too much time with Rumplefuggly
because she’s doing that creepy lurking-in-the-shadows-in-someone’s-room-rather-than-knocking-on-the-door
type thing that he does]
REGINA: You’re Owen.
GREGOWEN: You haven’t aged a day.
REGINA: Don’t try to flatter me.
GREGOWN: No, literally. You have not aged.
REGINA: Oh, yeah. I forgot.
GREGOWEN: Where’s my father?
REGINA: He’s not here. He left after you did. And since you
are no longer the adorable precious, I want you to leave.
The Foresty Part of
Storybrooke
GEPETTO: Remember when we put Emma in that wardrobe and I
said only one person could be transported to this land? I lied. I also put my
son in there.
SNOW: [Slaps him across the face]
EMMA: *shockface*
SNOW: I didn’t do that. That wasn’t me.
EMMA: Yes you did. We just saw you.
[They find August’s trailer, but he’s not in it. He’s
driving out of Storybrooke]
Tamara Visits Dr.
Dragon
TAMARA: I’m actually not sick. I’ve been looking for magic.
For someone like you. I’ve done science on this potion and it contains no
element from this world. How?
DR DRAGON: Science isn’t enough to fix some people’s
problems.
TAMARA: Now I need to get rid of you.
DR DRAGO: You haven’t met the real me…
[He starts to change form, but Tamara takes out a taser
thing and shocks him to the floor]
ME: So this whole time people like Charming have been using
swords and guns in Storybrooke to threaten people like Regina, when all he
needed to do was taser the magic out of her?
Present Day
Storybrooke
[Meanwhile, August turns back into town after seeing the
photo of Tamara’s grandmother in the vehicle he’s driving. He goes to the
police station when he realizes that she killed Dr. Dragon.]
AUGUST: I know you killed the Dragon. I know you’re after
magic. I’m not going to let you hurt these people. I’m going to warn them.
TAMARA: No, you’re not. [Tamara pulls out a taser]
AUGUST: Don’t tase me, bro!
[Tamara tases August. I don’t know much about science or
magic, but somehow tasing wood is lethal.]
Outside the Police
Station
[August stumbles outside into the path of Emma, Snow,
Charming, Henry, NealFire, and Gepetto]
AUGUST: Emma, she—she—she’s…
EMMA: Yes?
AUGUST: She’s…
EMMA: Uh huh?
AUGUST: …
*petrified*
HENRY: Brave, truthful, and unselfish.
EMMA: What?
HENRY: Brave, truthful, and unselfish.
EMMA: I heard what you said, but what are you talking about?
HENRY: It means we need the Blue Fairy.
EMMA: We sound like we are all on drugs.
MOTHER SUPERIOR: You rang?
EMMA: That was convenient.
MOTHER SUPERIOR: If his actions today were brave, truthful,
and unselfish, I think he can be saved.
EVERYONE: Hurray!
[She uses her wand to turn him into a real boy! And when I
say, a real boy, I mean a BOY, not a MAN]
EMMA/AUGUST SHIPPERS: Noooooo! This is a fate worse as
death!
[Tamara shows up on the scene]
TAMARA: Okay, I believe you now, Neal.
EMMA: Do you remember what you were about to say?
PINOCCHIO: No, but if I did, I would tell the truth.
[They all leave except for NealFire and Tamara]
NEALFIRE: I understand if you want to go back to New York.
TAMARA: NO!!!!!!!!! I mean, I love you and I don’t care if
you’re a weirdo with a weird family. We all have baggage. You baggage just
happens to be magical.
New York, 2011
NEALFIRE: You look like crap.
AUGUST: Thanks, man. I’ve got to get Emma to break the curse
so I don’t turn into complete wood.
NEALFIRE: If you break the curse, my dad’s going to come
looking for me.
AUGUST: But you’ll get to see Emma again *winks*. I’ll drop you a postcard when
the curse is broken. Bye.
TAMARA: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *uses a compact mirror for spying
purposes*
[Tamara and NealFire have their meet-cute with the coffee
and the scarf and the blah blah blah]
Snow and Charming’s
Charming Apartment
EMMA: Promise me you’ll never push me away.
HENRY: I won’t. [Whispers] Unless you do something real jerky again.
[Meanwhile, Snow tells Charming about visiting Regina and
her heart turning black]
GregOwen’s Hotel Room
[Tamara comes into the room]
ME: Okay, it’s official. Everybody knows everyone and
everyone is in on everything.
TAMARA: It’s been one heck of a day. Neal is in the shower.
I don’t have much time.
GREGOWEN: You wanna play 7 Minutes in Heaven?
TAMARA: Okay.
END OF EPISODE
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