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Monday, March 25, 2013

OUAT: Selfless, Brave and True

A Once Upon a Time Madcap Recap of Season 2, Episode 18

Synopsis: August/Pinocchio is back in this episode and living like a gypsy in the forest. Tamara comes to Storybrooke. And if you’ve ever wondered what kind of shenanigans were going down in 2011 Hong Kong, you’re about to find out.


A Place Where the Weather is Nice Enough to Leave a Window Open

[August is lying in bed next to a woman when he realizes a problem with his wooden leg: It wasn’t wooden a few minutes ago!!!]

AUGUST: My leg! Look at my leg!

WOMAN: Yes, it’s a very nice leg, but it’s 8:15 and I have a hangover. Go back to sleep!


Snow and Charming’s Charming Apartment

[Charming is being charming and making breakfast in bed for Snow]

EMMA: That’s not going to help her. Get her emo arse out of bed!

CHARMING: Watch the language! And that’s enough sass from you! You’re grounded.

EMMA: *rolls eyes*


Nealfire’s Hotel Room

NEALFIRE: FYI, Tamara is coming to Storybrooke. In like, 10 minutes.

EMMA: I don’t think that’s a good idea.

NEALFIRE: She’s bringing bagels.

EMMA: You can’t bribe me with carbs. *stays for bagels*


Snow in Storybrooke Forest

SNOW: Oh look, an old, creepy trailer in the middle of the forest. I better go check it out. Oh hey, it’s August! Why are you all wooden and living like a gypsy in a trailer down by the river?


A Hospital in Hong Kong, 2011

AUGUST: Can’t you see? My leg? It’s made of wood!

DOCTOR: Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t see anything.

AUGUST: Here! [He jabs a scalpel into his calf]

DOCTOR: @#%&! Sedate him! We got ourselves a nutter!

[Orderlies come to hold him down, but he runs out of the room, down the hall and comes across a random dude]

RANDOM DUDE: I know a guy who knows a guy named “The Dragon”. He’ll be able to help you.

AUGUST: Seems legit.


In a Trailer Down By the Toll Bridge

SNOW:  Come back to Storybrooke. You deserve a second chance.

AUGUST: I can’t go back. There is no hope for redemption for me. You don’t know what it’s like. You’ve never had to worry about that, Snow. You’re pure and honest and good. You’ve never hurt anyone. You never would.

SNOW: *blackened heart sinks*

AUGUST: Please don’t tell anybody you saw me or where I live or what I’ve told you.

[Snow leaves the trailer and proceeds to tell Emma and Gepetto/Marco that she saw August and he’s living in the forest in a trailer]


Nealfire’s Hotel Room of Awkwardness

HENRY: How did you meet?

NEALFIRE: Erm– 

TAMARA: Neal and I had a meet-cute on the street one day. I bumped into him and spilled coffee all over myself. He offered his scarf to cover the stain.

HENRY: That’s nice. Emma and I are going to go now. Bye!

NEALFIRE: I have to tell you something, Tamara. I’m from the Enchanted Forest. See this book? It’s more of a history book than a fairytale book.

TAMARA: WTF, Neal?! You still have feelings for Emma?

NEALFIRE: Wha--? I--

[Tamara storms out of the room]


Off to See the Dragon, the Wonderful Dragon of Hong Kong…

[…because of the wonderful things he does!]

[August is sitting in a shady-looking waiting room. A woman drops her phone. He hands it to her.]

ME: Is that Tamara? What? August has already met Tamara? Does everybody know everyone in this story?


Granny’s Diner

REGINA: Hi, I don’t believe we’ve met in person. I’m Regina-- Mayor, mother, philanthropist, and all-around great gal. Say, you look familiar. Maybe we have met?

GREGOWEN: NO.

REGINA: Hmm…


Dr. Dragon Will See You Now

AUGUST: You believe me?

DR DRAGON: We’ve read the fairytales in Hong Kong, too, you know. I can also name all the Disney princesses. So to answer your question, yes. I know who you are. You’re Pinocchio and you’re turning into wood.

AUGUST: Can you help me?

DR DRAGON: Yes, but it’ll cost you.

AUGUST: How much?

DR DRAGON: Not money, but an irreplaceable object.

AUGUST: My necklace? The one with the string from my father?

DR DRAGON: Yes… and also, 10,000 American dollars.

AUGUST: FML


[In present day Storybrooke, Snow talks to Mother Superior. She says that August has gone all wooden because he wasn’t brave or selfless or true anymore.]


A Hong Kong Bar, 2011

[Yes, it is Tamara and she is sitting at the bar when August walks in]

TAMARA: Did you have to give Dr. Dragon something of personal value? I gave him a picture of my grandmother in hopes that I will be cured of my illness. I’m going to give him this giant wad of cash I’ve been carrying around in my purse later. Will you excuse, stranger I just met today, I need to answer this phone call. *totally abandons her open purse sitting on the counter*

AUGUST’S CONSCIOUS: Don’t do it!

AUGUST’S ANTI-CONSCIOUS: Go, take the money and run!

*Takes the money and runs*


August’s Trailer Down By the Toll Bridge

TAMARA: I bet you never thought I’d find you, knock on wood.

AUGUST: That’s not even funny.


Back to Dr. Dragon’s Office for a Follow Up Appointment

[There is a shady exchange of money for some red liquid in a vial. When he gets outside, Tamara sees him and chases him through the market place. He falls and she takes the potion from him.]

AUGUST: Ahh! Leg cramp!


Back to August’s Trailer Down By the Toll Bridge

TAMARA: You owe me a favor after what you did to me in Hong Kong. You can have what’s left of the potion, but you have to go to my apartment in New York to get it. I want you to leave Storybrooke.

AUGUST: I can’t do that.

TAMARA: Yes you can and you will.

AUGUST: Why are you in Storybrooke?

TAMARA: You’re the same desperate man.

AUGUST: Why are you in Storybrooke?

TAMARA: The same man I left lying in the gutter.

AUGUST: No, seriously, why are you in Storybrooke?


GregOwen’s Hotel Room

[Regina must be spending too much time with Rumplefuggly because she’s doing that creepy lurking-in-the-shadows-in-someone’s-room-rather-than-knocking-on-the-door type thing that he does]

REGINA: You’re Owen.

GREGOWEN: You haven’t aged a day.

REGINA: Don’t try to flatter me.

GREGOWN: No, literally. You have not aged.

REGINA: Oh, yeah. I forgot.

GREGOWEN: Where’s my father?

REGINA: He’s not here. He left after you did. And since you are no longer the adorable precious, I want you to leave.


The Foresty Part of Storybrooke

GEPETTO: Remember when we put Emma in that wardrobe and I said only one person could be transported to this land? I lied. I also put my son in there.

SNOW: [Slaps him across the face]

EMMA: *shockface*

SNOW: I didn’t do that. That wasn’t me.

EMMA: Yes you did. We just saw you.

[They find August’s trailer, but he’s not in it. He’s driving out of Storybrooke]


Tamara Visits Dr. Dragon

TAMARA: I’m actually not sick. I’ve been looking for magic. For someone like you. I’ve done science on this potion and it contains no element from this world. How?

DR DRAGON: Science isn’t enough to fix some people’s problems.

TAMARA: Now I need to get rid of you.

DR DRAGO: You haven’t met the real me…

[He starts to change form, but Tamara takes out a taser thing and shocks him to the floor]

ME: So this whole time people like Charming have been using swords and guns in Storybrooke to threaten people like Regina, when all he needed to do was taser the magic out of her?


Present Day Storybrooke

[Meanwhile, August turns back into town after seeing the photo of Tamara’s grandmother in the vehicle he’s driving. He goes to the police station when he realizes that she killed Dr. Dragon.]

AUGUST: I know you killed the Dragon. I know you’re after magic. I’m not going to let you hurt these people. I’m going to warn them.

TAMARA: No, you’re not. [Tamara pulls out a taser]

AUGUST: Don’t tase me, bro!

[Tamara tases August. I don’t know much about science or magic, but somehow tasing wood is lethal.]


Outside the Police Station

[August stumbles outside into the path of Emma, Snow, Charming, Henry, NealFire, and Gepetto]

AUGUST: Emma, she—she—she’s…

EMMA: Yes?

AUGUST: She’s…

EMMA: Uh huh?

AUGUST: …

*petrified*

HENRY: Brave, truthful, and unselfish.

EMMA: What?

HENRY: Brave, truthful, and unselfish.

EMMA: I heard what you said, but what are you talking about?

HENRY: It means we need the Blue Fairy.

EMMA: We sound like we are all on drugs.

MOTHER SUPERIOR: You rang?

EMMA: That was convenient.

MOTHER SUPERIOR: If his actions today were brave, truthful, and unselfish, I think he can be saved.

EVERYONE: Hurray!

[She uses her wand to turn him into a real boy! And when I say, a real boy, I mean a BOY, not a MAN]

EMMA/AUGUST SHIPPERS: Noooooo! This is a fate worse as death!

[Tamara shows up on the scene]

TAMARA: Okay, I believe you now, Neal.

EMMA: Do you remember what you were about to say?

PINOCCHIO: No, but if I did, I would tell the truth.


[They all leave except for NealFire and Tamara]

NEALFIRE: I understand if you want to go back to New York.

TAMARA: NO!!!!!!!!! I mean, I love you and I don’t care if you’re a weirdo with a weird family. We all have baggage. You baggage just happens to be magical.


New York, 2011

NEALFIRE: You look like crap.

AUGUST: Thanks, man. I’ve got to get Emma to break the curse so I don’t turn into complete wood.

NEALFIRE: If you break the curse, my dad’s going to come looking for me.

AUGUST: But you’ll get to see Emma again *winks*. I’ll drop you a postcard when the curse is broken. Bye.

TAMARA: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *uses a compact mirror for spying purposes*

[Tamara and NealFire have their meet-cute with the coffee and the scarf and the blah blah blah]


Snow and Charming’s Charming Apartment

EMMA: Promise me you’ll never push me away.

HENRY: I won’t. [Whispers] Unless you do something real jerky again.

[Meanwhile, Snow tells Charming about visiting Regina and her heart turning black]


GregOwen’s Hotel Room

[Tamara comes into the room]

ME: Okay, it’s official. Everybody knows everyone and everyone is in on everything.

TAMARA: It’s been one heck of a day. Neal is in the shower. I don’t have much time.

GREGOWEN: You wanna play 7 Minutes in Heaven?

TAMARA: Okay.

END OF EPISODE


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